what men really mean

[wolk44]

What Men Really Mean...
Author unknown

"I'm going fishing."
"I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."

"Let's take your car."
"Mine is full of beer cans, burger wrappers and completely out of gas."

"Woman driver."
"Someone who doesn't speed, tailgate, swear, make obscene gestures and has a better driving record than me."

"I don't care what color you paint the kitchen."
"As long as it's not blue, green, pink, red, yellow, lavender, gray, mauve, black, turquoise or any other color besides white."

"It's a guy thing."
"There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"Can I help with dinner?"
"Why isn't it already on the table?"

"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."
Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response like Pavlov's dog drooling.

"Good idea."
"It'll never work. And I'll spend the rest of the day gloating."

"Have you lost weight?"
"I've just spent our last $30 on a cordless drill."

"My wife doesn't understand me."
"She's heard all my stories before, and is tired of them."

"It would take too long to explain."
"I have no idea how it works."

"I'm getting more exercise lately."
"The batteries in the remote are dead."

"I was listening to you. It's just that I have things on my mind."
"I was wondering if that red-head over there is wearing a bra."

"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
"I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"That's interesting, dear."
"Are you still talking?"

"It's a really good movie."
"It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and beautiful women."

"That's women's work."
"It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."

"I got a lot done."
"I found 'Waldo' in almost every picture."

"Hey, I've read all the classics."
"I've been subscribing to Playboy since 1972."

"You cook just like my mother used to."
"She used the smoke detector as a meal timer, too."

"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love."
"I forgot our anniversary again."

"You expect too much of me."
"You want me to stay awake."

"Will you marry me?"
"Both my roommates have moved out, I can't find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter."

"Go ask your mother."
"I am incapable of making a decision."

"I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses."
"The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."

"Football is a man's game."
"Women are generally too smart to play it."

"I do help around the house."
"I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket."

"What do you mean, you need new clothes?"
"You just bought new clothes 3 years ago."

"She's one of those rabid feminists."
"She refused to make my coffee."

"But I hate to go shopping."
"Because I always wind up outside the dressing room holding your purse."

"No, I left plenty of gas in the car."
"You may actually get it to start."

"I'm going to stop off for a quick one with the guys."
"I am planning on drinking myself into a vegetative stupor with my chest pounding, mouth breathing, pre-evolutionary companions."

"I brought you a present."
"It was free ice scraper night at the ball game."

"I missed you."
"I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper."

"This relationship is getting too serious."
"I like you more than my truck."

"I recycle."
"We could pay the rent with the money from my empties."

"Of course I like it, honey, you look beautiful."
"Oh, man, what have you done to yourself?"

"It sure snowed last night."
"I suppose you're going to nag me about shoveling the walk now."

"It's good beer."
"It was on sale."

"I don't need to read the instructions."
"I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help."

"I'll fix the garbage disposal later."
"If I wait long enough you'll get frustrated and buy a new one."

"I'll take you to a fancy restaurant."
"Someplace that doesn't have a drive-thru window."

"I broke up with her."
"She dumped me."

"You know how bad my memory is."
"I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses."
"The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."

"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal."
"I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."

"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."
"And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

"I can't find it."
"It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"What did I do this time?"
"What did you catch me at?"

"I heard you."
"I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."

"You know I could never love anyone else."
"I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."

"You look terrific."
"Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."

"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."
"No one will ever see us alive again."

"We share the housework."
"I make the messes, she cleans them up."

"This kitchen is so inconvenient."
"I can't see the tv from here."

"You want..."
"I know what you should want."

"We need..."
"I want."

[larry]

Dann passt das hier perfekt rein

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------


The Guys' Rules
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down
Finally, the guys' side of the story. (I must admit, it's pretty good.) We
always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the
male side.
These are our rules!
Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it
down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you
leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let
it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that
way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not
work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what
we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact,
all comments become null and void after 7 days.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to
act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways
makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done.
Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during
commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for
example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea
what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's
wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you
don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is
fine...Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss
such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.
1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men
really don't mind that? It's like camping.
Pass this to as many men as you can - to give them a laugh.
Pass this to as many women as you can - to give them a bigger laugh!!